i know i know, i've been MIA for the past 6 months. i have not totally fallen off the bandwagon (thank god), i dont work out hardly ever anymore. but i have been semi-in control. i gained quite a bit over the summer when i was living at home b/c my parents insist on only cooking/eating/buying nasty greasy fatty foods. so by august i got back up to around 136-138 i think.

then i got a job in KC and am living with one of my guy friends who knows nothing about my issues-but its good b/c i can blame not eating on just being a girl and he is naive enough to believe it. i went on a crash diet during october since my halloween costume showed my stomach. i did really good and got down to my lowest ever 124!!! but now am back up to 133  but i am determined to get back down again. im still purging every once in awhile, but not as much as i was..

everything else in my life is good. my 3 year anniversary with my boyfriend is on thursday and im making dinner for us..he requested lasagna and cheesecake, which means i will be purging then, spare me the lecture-i know its horrible for me, but i dont care. my new job is great, i absolutely love it, and i am making so many new friends in kc. i go out at least twice a week every week, which is prob a significant reason for all the weight gain recently, but i would rather get drunk than eat any day so i will just have to have more control when it comes to eating.

so in short i apologize for the lack of love for xanga over the past 6 mos. but i am back in action now. i had to take a break because i was beginning to get obsessive with checking this thing about 40 times a day, but i dont have time to do it that much now that im at work all day, so i will be forced to be at least halfway normal about it.

i missed you girlies and i hope you're all doing so well. hope u didnt forget me! its weird how comforting it is to be back on here....

so its been forever, and this is my pathetic update:

ive gained ..a lot. im up to 133, after being 124 a few weeks ago. its awful. i feel disgusting. i dont want people to touch me b/c they will get a handful of fat. i dont want to get naked in front of my bf which sucks becuase in less than a week he is leaving for AZ for the summer and i wont see him for three months. today im fasting. i have to. summer officially starts on sunday. which means bikini season. also my aunt and uncle are hosting a graduation party at their house for me on saturday, and its a pool party. my family is going to see me in a swimsuit and im not really looking forward to it. even if it is just my family, i want them to think i look like and amazingly gorgeous grown up, not like a fat college kid that gained alot of weight since going off to school. AND on wednesday im going shopping for a graduation dress with my roomie, and i have to look amazing. im freaking.

i will get down again. its so depressing being fat.

i'll try to start updating regularly again, its just been hard with the end of college and constantly on the job hunt (i decided not to accept that job i was offered b/c its not what i really want to be doing so im still looking). i hope all you girlies are doing well out there! wish me luck on my fast b/c im really needing some support! love and luck!

so for the last 3 days, ive been binging and purging pretty much non stop. i havent written b/c im totally ashamed. i havent been working out at all. ive been eating completely crap food. im totally freaked out to weigh myself. im going to get control back, i must. i feel HUGE. and disgusting. i ate a 3 pound bag of gummi bears in less than 24 hours. not to mention a family size bag of potato chips and fast food on three different occasions. i feel flabby and sick. i have no energy b/c ive been using it all to purge my brains out. sick sick sick. i need help

also...my "boyfriend" and i are trying to work on everything, and the main issue is to be completely and totally honest w/ each other about EVERYTHING. including my terrible eating habits. so i told him. he said that he felt awful that he didnt realize before, and that he wanted to help. he started asking all these questions, and i was honest with him. im scared that hes going to try to 'help' by making me eat when i dont want to...im nervous, but a little relieved that i dont have to hide it as much anymore. i dont know what to think yet. we'll see what happens...

hope all u girls are doing great, and staying strong...even tho im not.